


i'm burning alive (burn with me tonight)

by 2014castiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Episode: s15e18 Despair, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, basically just dean grieving, was going to trash it but decided to post anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:29:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27889057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2014castiel/pseuds/2014castiel
Summary: the one where dean reminisces about what could've been.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 9





	i'm burning alive (burn with me tonight)

and yeah, maybe he should've come in here sooner. perhaps he wouldn't feel as guilty as he does right now, with gritted teeth and tears stinging the back of his eyes. the door hasn't even been closed, for christ's sake. it's been open ever since him and cas had went to go find billie, to go kill her, so. 

so. 

and it's like, if he goes and shuts it, then it's like cas won't come back and then the reality will finally set in. seeing the door open right now, seeing it exactly like how cas had left it... it feels like there's still a chance for him to come back, somehow. like all that's happened is that it's been frozen in time, waiting for him to come back to unfreeze the clock and everything will go back to normal. of course dean knows that's not possible, since he literally saw the empty take him right before his eyes, with billie banging on the door in the background and dean's ears ringing something mad, but. sue him for having a little hope, okay? 

the only sound he can hear, besides the low humming of the bunker and his own heartbeat pounding in his ears is the shuffling of his footsteps, hesitant but consistent. _determined_. 

he was just going to shut it, honest. he was just going to walk over there and grab the doorknob and close it and probably never even glance that direction again, but. 

_but_. 

once he was standing outside the door, staring into the darkness inside, he couldn't move; couldn't think. all he knew was that he had to go in. maybe cas could hear his prayers if he was in there? maybe... maybe he could finally answer him, could finally come back like he always does. well, _did_. 

and so, with a heavy heart, he pushed the door further open, the light from the hallway bleeding into the vacant room. 

it looks so... bare. not that he didn't know that before, since cas was—of course—an angel, so he had no need for sleep, but dean had thought maybe he could decorate it with some of his stuff to make it more personalized. 

looking back, cas never _had_ any stuff. he had no belongings, no clothes... all he had, really, was sam and dean. 

dean's heart hangs even heavier. 

he hobbles over to the bedside lamp and flicks it on, squinting slightly before his eyes adjust to the soft yellow glow that the room is covered with. 

it looks just like any other room in the bunker, looks just like sam or dean's room, except all it really has is a desk, a bed and a bedside table. 

there's a few books from the bunker's library scattered on the desk, with one of them opened on a random chapter in some language dean can't read—though he guesses it's probably in enochian. there's a bookmark placed in the page opened there, something small and royal blue with yellow bumblebees on it, and dean can't help but smile slightly. the bed is made, of course, but the sheets are slightly askew as if someone had been laying on top of them for a little while. images of castiel come to mind, him laying down in his suit—though his trench coat is folded neatly on the back of the desk chair as per dean's nagging at him to get more comfortable and at home in the bunker—reading a book on demons or something. 

dean sits down, head in his hands, and lets out a shaky breath. 

he looks back up, at the ceiling, and with starry eyes, he begins. 

"heya, cas." 

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this at 10 pm while thinking about (and missing) cas 
> 
> i want to write more deancas fics, so maybe look out for that at some point? 
> 
> follow me on twitter @cisphobecas


End file.
